It's sad how our culture imbibes the rat race in us from GO.

I feel sad looking at how every mark, every remark, every star, every certificate, every thing we come across in our life is so carefully enlisted into CVs that change face very so often. How only every thing we do well is showcased and if possible highlighted as well. And somewhere, we forget or conveniently leave out that which have stains on them - stains of failure, stains of underperformance - the so called black stains.

Whatever happened to the appreciation and applauding of participation, of trying, of putting that shaky foot forward and giving your best shot?

Even though my school years haven't been my most pleasant and favorite years, I think that education made a difference to me. I live in the hope that kids one day will grow to applaud not those who could beg borrow steal for the most favoured rank but those who participated and tried. That also comprises a step forward. It brings to my mind a song which I believe is my song and a song that I strongly associate with for more reasons than one.

I HOPE YOU DANCE - LEE ANN WOMACK

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder

You get your fill to eat

But always keep that hunger

May you never take one single breath for granted

God forbid love ever leave you empty handed

I hope you still feel small

When you stand by the ocean

Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens

Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

I hope you dance

I hope you dance

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance

Never settle for the path of least resistance

Living might mean taking chances

But they're worth taking

Lovin' might be a mistake

But it's worth making

Don't let some hell bent heart

Leave you bitter

When you come close to selling out

Reconsider

Give the heavens above

More than just a passing glance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

I hope you dance (Time is a real and constant motion always)

I hope you dance (Rolling us along)

I hope you dance (Tell me who)

I hope you dance (Wants to look back on their youth and wonder)

(Where those years have gone)

We live in lines. Parallel, cross-sectional, straight, crooked, circular, jagged, zig-zagged or whatever else the world and its situations might impose upon us. And whatever shape that line may take, and no matter how many different lines we might live by with every relationship, they all have boundaries. Even perforated lines have boundaries.

There's only some skin we can touch, there's only those thoughts we can examine, there's only that much we can talk about, there's only so much we can have to ourselves, there's only those few we can have to ourselves and there's only that much of a lot of any such...

There's only that much which can take us from point A to point B and there's only that much which can take us the full circle.

And I want those journeys.

I'm feeling super hopeful. I'm feeling excited. I'm feeling apprehensive and tensed, but it's all for a good cause. I'm feeling adventurous, I'm feeling beautiful, I'm feeling ambitious and so much more I can't even begin to comprehend.

I begin the last leg of this beautiful journey I call my Masters in Psychological Counseling. I'm extremely motivated, i'm feeling very receptive. I love this feeling. I hope to read this post whenever that motivation vanishes. I want this last part of my beautiful journey to mean something, to take me somewhere, to teach me, to show me, to let me experience, to let me grow. I have a lot on my plate, but when was a challenge such a bad thing?

I will do it. I will do all of it - the exams, the projects, the dissertation, the couneling, the thinking, the dreaming, the sleeping, the laughing, the creating, the participating, the presentations, the falling, the getting up, the fighting, the crying, the praying, the growing, the living - I will definitely do it all.

I can't wait. I cannot wait. I just cannot wait. And I hope this wait is really worth it. And even if things in my control are not worth it, I will make it worth all of it.

I will.

I want this last part of my journey to definitely be the beginning of something new :)

4/11/09 as it was

Today has been a weirdly interesting day.

1. I dreamt of this girl who I can only describe in two words - everyone's nightmare - and she lives up to that description pretty well. She's all wrapped in one - the biggest slut, everyone's nightmare, someone barely anyone respects, someone I have had the chance opportunity of encountering, someone I thankfully said my gleeful goodbye to sometime back, someone whose guts I just can't stand. And it's with her stupid cretinous face that I began my day with. (And that was the be all and end all of all things bad that my day can still possibly encounter)

2. S gave me a 3rd customary wake-up call that was nice to wake up to.

3. I went to lunch at an old friend's place with my mother and where my friend and I witnessed what's just the beginning of a horrific journey into the world of "motherly crib/child verbal bashing". And yes, the food was wonderful and we ate in happiness and then the session started. With how we are so different from them. How this generation should learn from the previous generation, how we don't have an ounce of parental fright in us when we answer back, how we cut our parents out by shutting our room doors, how we should be more accomodating, how we really don't care, how demeaning we are, how insulting we can get, how we are still the apple of their eyes and how we still are gems compared to the other horrors that this world witnesses in forms of other girls, how we are this and that and then and where and how and why and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

3. I've spoken to N for only 30 seconds today. Poor N. Poor me.

4. I've lost all motivation to fish for gifts or make them. I want that motivation back.

5. I'm feeling horribly under the weather. I have a feeling that a fever may follow.

6. My net connection blew just when I was about to post this.

And the day isn't even over yet.

Sunshine

Sunshine's really really cute.
Sunshine's warm.
Sunshine's wonderful.
Sunshine's hard to describe in words.
Sunshine makes me feel happy.
Sunshine's sunshine all the way.
Sunshine is hilarious.
Sunshine's just it.

Sunshine's my sunshine to me :)

Touch

Touch. A baby's hand wrapped around your finger. Touch. A mother caressing her child's forehead. Touch. A father patting his child's shoulder. Touch. Siblings pinching each other. Touch. A hug. Touch. One finger twirled with another's. Touch. An arm around your shoulder. Touch. The warmth of your co-passenger's sweater thawing your arm. Touch. A slow indulgent kiss. Touch. The trace of his/her finger along your body. Touch. A playful tickle. Touch. His/her gaze on your body. Touch. The twirling of hair. Touch. The possessive partner. Touch. The violent partner. Touch. The message of withdrawal. Touch. The passenger of hope. Touch. The want for more. Touch. The punctuation of actions. Touch. The flow of thoughts. Touch. The saving of a life. Touch. The creation of life. Touch. The reassurance to oneself. Touch. The movement of time. Touch. The end of time.

I have been outta the party scene for ages. And I'm not enjoying the feeling too much. I need my dose of the dancefloor. I need the rush of the beats. I need the floor pulsating around me. I need the push of tequila. And I need to dance dance dance!
I need to dance dance dance. Laser lights, music, bass and all.

This craving hurts!!!

Beige linen trousers. Or black suede trousers. Or dark blue well fitting denims.

A crisp white shirt. Half sleeved. Deep necked. Pencil straight.

Black matte strapped leather stilletoes.

A black leather bag with silver zips.

A platinum band. A platinum chain. A black leather strap watch. Steel dial.

Throw in a pair of Raybans. And some Nina Ricci.

I'm getting myself all this. Soon.

The thought of it already makes me feel like a million bucks. :)